The One Where The Bucket List Started

So, I’m not sure if you know this, but my bucket list was actually created on an upsetting day. It was created, in the moment, out of fear & upset… & just a tiny bit of anger (okay, a lot pf anger). It was written not in a moment of morbidity (bucket list AREN’T morbid), but in a moment of zero clarity & sheer panic. There were things I wanted, that needed to be remembered; things that I had never allowed myself to consider before. My bucket list started on one of the lowest days of my life.

Six months prior, I had graduated from high school & was living in a studio apartment with my amazing Dad (regardless, feeling lost & without much personal space). I had no idea how to go about reaching any of my goals, “all” of my friends were enrolled in college & “moving on without me,” I was gaining a lot of weight & I had a boyfriend who refused to travel 4 hours West to visit me. Yes – things could have been WAY worse, right? But I was still depressed, sitting on the couch, eating my weight in pizza, when I received a text from a good guy friend of mine.

I love you. It said.

In a moment of terror, I calmed myself with denial.

Alex, I think you texted me something by mistake. I replied.

No, Amy I love you. I always have & I always will.

I remember this moment like it was yesterday. My thoughts were across the board. How do I respond? That is not something you say via text. Wait, how do I feel about him? Is this something I feel too? What if it’s not, will I ruin our friendship? He & his girlfriend are having problems, but I’m still with my boyfriend. What is this? What IS this?

I sat there for what felt like an hour, & then I quietly retreated to the apartment board room where I could sit in peace. Then, brave me dialed his number.

Alex answered laughing hysterically. “Hi,” I hesitated. “What’s going on over there?”

“Kami (his girlfriend) just asked if she could text you & we have been dying for your response.”

Wow. What a cruel & f***ed up way to mess with someone. (Though, right about now, my inner optimist was saying, “Hey, at least you passed the test.”)

“Haha.” I half said, & half fake-laughed. What am I supposed to say to this? “Okay well, have a good night.”

I couldn’t exactly call that moment snapping… because, this happened much later (& I promise you I will get to that), but I stood up angry. My so-called friend just played a very bullsh*t joke on me, & there was a part of me that was heartbroken that someone I cared about would do something like that to me. What an embarrassing (not to mention awkward & juvenile) position to put someone in.

Looking back, there were so many obvious signs that Alex’s life was centered on his ego. But, at the time, I just felt so betrayed. There was one more ding to the bewilderment of my world, & I had just about had enough.

… So, naturally, I went shopping. I ended up at the Walgreens a block away, looking at office supplies. I grabbed three small “cute” journals, some fun pens, & I bought them not having one clue as to how I was going to fill these things. And, when I sat down watching the CMA Awards, I stumbled (no, fell FACE FIRST) into my bucket list. I watched Taylor Swift win award after award & I just wrote. So the bucket list started; my bucket list started right then & there. Build An Igloo, Send A Message In A Bottle, Send A Demo To RCA Records, Visit Nashville, Move To Nashville, Own A Home, Get Engaged, Get Married…

These items were flowing out of me almost like I had a plan for all of this, but that wasn’t the case at all. I was simply sick of everything being about everyone else. Now it was time for me.

Now it is time for you!

The bucket list changed my life that day in so many ways. For one, I made the difficult decision that it was time to move home to Idaho & get my grounding. Little did I know, it was the first step toward everything.

Now, I’m not going to tell you that getting a bucket list started will solve all of your problems. (If that were the case, I wouldn’t have ended up with two cheating exes.) But, when all else fails, it will be your parachute. When it feels as though you’ve hit rock bottom (or you’re getting really close), it will be your guide back to the person you’ve always been & the person you’ve always wanted to be. And it seriously all starts with pen to paper… What do you have to lose?

So here’s to you getting your bucket list started.
I hope you find it on a brighter day, but if not, here’s to you conquering your world from the bottom up.


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