Fall In Love Again

Many of us want that kind of relationship; the everlasting love that has you up for hours in an argument, but ultimately asleep on the couch together. We search not for someone who will never make mistakes, but for someone who will admit when they are wrong, do whatever they can to fix things, &, in the event that you walk away when they’ve hurt you, attempt to make things right. We yearn for that person who loves us more than their own pride. Forget butterflies & poetry, this is the real thing. It’s time to fall in love again.

“Fall In Love” is a common bucket list item. It’s something that many have only dreamed of, & I suppose that’s what makes my “Fall In Love Again” look a little greedy. That said, after having flown & fallen as many others have, there is so much that you can learn from your first love & your first broken heart. So much, in fact, that I almost feel as though, “Fall In Love Again” is an entirely new bucket list item in itself.

When I posted this new item, at the risk of sounding dramatic, I was fairly unsure I could fall in love again. And, to put it bluntly, it wasn’t about the strength of the love I’d first encountered, but how badly everything went crashing down. How would I give my heart like that to someone else? How could I possibly trust my heart with anyone but myself ever again? People lie, cheat & manipulate their way through life without even knowing it. And, after they hurt you & you force yourself to walk away, they just might realize that they are happier without you. It’s scary &, yes, a pretty dark realization for an optimist. But I was so there. I simply wasn’t going to do that again.

Several months into my newfound independence, a coworker (& good friend) of mine told me to check out Tinder. And, before you start laughing at me hysterically, I’ll make it a LOT funnier by telling you I had no idea what Tinder was all about. All I was seeing was exactly as my friend described it, “It’s a dating app where you basically just choose people in the area based on their looks.” Emily told me.

“Why would I do something like that? It seems really shallow to me.” I scoffed at her.

“It is shallow, Amy! But, it’s been a while since you even went on a date,” She continued. “At the very least, get on here & boost your confidence. You don’t have to do anything, just see who matches to you & feel damn good about how someone that hot could be attracted to you, & you’ll be feeling sexy in no time.”

I’m going to be really honest here. I laughed in her face. I chuckled as I walked up the stairs to my office. I convinced myself that I wasn’t ready to date, & that I certainly wasn’t going to download an app when I did feel ready to date. Nope. No thank you… Until later that night when I was one glass of wine in, alone on the couch, & feeling pretty low. Who will know if I download this app just for a day? No one.

… 30 matches, another glass of wine & an almost-dead phone later, I’m texting Emily: This App Is Great! I really do feel more confident! But wait, it’s only 8:30! Why not dig a little deeper & see what happens next?

So one week in, I’m starting to like Tinder. (Yes, you read this correctly.) One of these guys has my phone number, & I’m texting him. He seems nice. I’ve added a “Not Looking To Hook Up” note on my main page, because I’m getting a few odd messages. (Weird?) But, overall, I’m happy & sexy & confident.

That’s when another coworker of mine, Bryan, messages me:

…Pause for the awkward moment when you think he matched with me on Tinder. Haha, because that would just be funny & very sitcom-like. But no. Anyways…

BRYAN: So Emily tells me you’re on Tinder? (This coming from a guy who’s gotten to know how pathetically naive I am over the past few months.)

AMY: Yeah! I’m actually liking it. She was right, I do feel more confident.

BRYAN: Amy, do you know what that app is for? 

AMY: What do you mean?

BRYAN: Haha. Just Urban Dictionary it. 

Pause for the awkward split second moment when I think to myself that Bryan is jealous. Yep, that is how confident I was feeling from this app. (So I guess it was kinda a good thing.) Haha….

Tinder: Dating App. Tinder is the McDonald’s for Sex.

Ooooooooooohhhh. (Cue the dumb blonde music.)
Haha Yeah. There is no hiding from this. All of a sudden I’m in panic mode. Crap! Crap! Crapcrapcrap! These guys think I’m a slut! Ugh! The whole office is going to think I’m a slut. OH MY GOD! The inappropriate messages… the Tinder guys that actually took time out of their day to ask me why I was not looking to hook up? These people think I’m a serious dumb blonde. Awww FML. What am I going to do with the guy I’m texting? I’M NOT A SLUT! What the hell Emily?!

So I delete the app. I’m out.
But the guy I’ve been texting texts me again that afternoon, & I’m very unsure of what to do. He’s nice, but I have no idea what his intentions are. So, ultimately, I decide to drag it out… for a couple of weeks. I convince myself that if it’s more than just about sex, he’ll put in the time. And then we met, & we went on a few dates. From what I could tell, he was incredibly genuine, & he wasn’t pushing me. We didn’t have our first kiss until date three. (This goes without saying that I was still hesitant for many reasons.) After all, what are the chances that I’d meet someone who would end up caring more about me via a “sex app” then the guy I’d met in high school? Bingo. And what were the chances that it would be the first (& only) guy I’d trusted on the app? What are the chances that I would fall in love again?

Life is weird. And I honestly used to be ashamed of meeting him on Tinder. I was worried about what people would think of me; worried about what they would say that meant about him (he didn’t know what it was all about either – & yes, I believe him). But, now, two years later, that doesn’t seem to matter at all. I fell in love again. (Yes! From Tinder… & I know a few others who’ve done the same.) I trusted again. I found a guy who loves me for me; someone who will listen to me when I’m upset & unsure, & who will wake up the next morning making sure that everything is okay. I’ve risked my heart being ripped apart again. And, as scary as it all seems, it’s worth it. You deserve to find that one person that completes you, & sometimes that involves a broken & scarred heart. Don’t settle for anything less. Fall In Love Again.


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